omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The air taste purple.
Randomize
