I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
