I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
handjob tips. give me some.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
