So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
