I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
