my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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