I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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