The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
