You just made me feel so damn special
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
