i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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