So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the room spins SO much faster in panama
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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