when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
