I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just gargled with NyQuil
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
