Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
