I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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