I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
