I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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