i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
