It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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