Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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