Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
