the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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