my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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