I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
