Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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