Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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