i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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