3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
