by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
