the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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