phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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