I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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