Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
