Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
