I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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