I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
