I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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