i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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