did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
