we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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