pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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