The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
