Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
