I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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