Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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