I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
