I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
