I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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