She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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