my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
